Overcoming Negative Self-talk, an on-going journey of self-compassion
Do you ever find yourself caught in a spiral of negative self-talk? I sure do, and it's a daily struggle. If someone could eavesdrop on the conversations happening inside my head, they might be shocked by the harshness of my self-critique. While I can't pinpoint the exact origins of this negative self-talk, it seems to have its roots in my childhood, where I repeatedly found myself being falsely accused. I carried an unwarranted burden of guilt, even when I was innocent, and this pattern persisted throughout my life.
One specific memory stands out: in the sixth grade, I was falsely accused of smoking pot. The truth was, I didn't even know what pot was. However, my dad, upon seeing my "bloodshot" eyes, was convinced that I was a drug addict. There was no convincing him otherwise, and I was labeled the "bad kid" in his mind, despite being a genuinely well-behaved child. I don't blame my dad; he had a troubled past and assumed all kids would dabble with pot. Perhaps this early experience contributed to my guilty conscience and negative self-image. Who knows.
Fast forward to today, and I'm fighting hard to conquer this negative self-talk. Honestly, I was completely unaware of how harshly I criticized myself until I started paying attention. Once I did, I was taken aback. For instance, I recently had my hair cut and colored, a rare treat that I indulge in perhaps twice a year. I don't often take time for self-care, and the past few years have been incredibly challenging due to my baby's medical needs. Any moment I have to myself is usually dedicated to work. During the summer, I even worked until 1:00 am most nights to minimize its impact on my family. I'm not sharing this to boast (because I don’t want to boast about being busy), but only to illustrate I don’t take time for myself. (Again - something I am working on!)
So there I was, sitting in the salon chair as the stylist worked on my hair, and all I could hear inside my head were these harsh thoughts: "you are so selfish," "how could you let someone else watch your kids while you pamper yourself?", "you're taking advantage of people," "you can't afford to spend money on yourself," and the list goes on. It was brutal. But now, I've been actively learning to be acutely aware of this negative self-talk. I don't let it take control. Instead, I intercept those thoughts, shift the narrative, and speak the truth.
Most negative self-talk is based on lies. These lies drain us and are far from life-giving. By combating them with the truth, we reduce their power. I began to speak the truth to counter those negative thoughts: "I am loved," "I've had a challenging couple of years," "my babysitters are happy to help," "I'm not taking advantage and am always respectful of people's time," and "I can only love others the way I love myself."
I then asked the Lord to help me see the truth about who I am. I remind myself that I am a child of God (John 1:12) and that nothing can separate me from His love (Romans 8:38-39). The Lord delights in me (Zephaniah 3:17), and I reflect on these verses for a more positive outlook.
Next, I asked for repentance. See, if I was speaking to a friend, the way I speak to myself, I would need to seek repentance. It’s time to show myself the same respect. To repent can often mean to “turn around”. I asked the Lord to help me turn from sin and renew my mind (Romans 12:2).
Here’s a quick reference for what has been helping me with negative self-talk:
Overcoming Negative Self-Talk: 4 Steps to Self-Compassion
Step 1: Awareness - Recognize Your Inner Critic Negative self-talk can be relentless, but the first step in conquering it is recognizing when it's happening. Start paying attention to your inner dialogue and identify those negative thoughts. They may surprise you with their harshness.
Step 2: Speak Truth - Challenge Those Lies Most of your negative self-talk is based on lies. These lies drain your energy and self-esteem. Challenge them with the truth. Replace self-criticism with affirmations like "I am loved," "I've faced challenges," and "The Lord delights in me."
Step 3: Pray - Seek the Lord’s Guidance Turn to prayer to seek guidance. Ask the Lord to help you see the truth about who you are. Remind yourself that you are a beloved child of God and that nothing can separate you from His love.
Step 4: Repent - turn around Just as you'd ask forgiveness if you treated a friend poorly, extend the same grace to yourself. Repent for speaking falsely to yourself.
Additional Tips:
Journal your thoughts and experiences to gain deeper insights.
Take a walk in nature to clear your mind and refresh your perspective.
Seek professional help when necessary, as there's no shame in asking for support.
Remember that this journey is ongoing, but with consistent effort and these steps, you can transform your inner dialogue, cultivate self-compassion, and regain control over your self-esteem.
As with everything, practice self-compassion even when you aren’t getting it right. You will have hard days. We all do. But you are worthy of love!
