Her Reality is Not Mine.
Defining Your Reality
Stay In Your Lane
I have read countless books on personal development and none of them stuck. Every single time I was left frustrated and down on myself. Why could I not maximize every part of my life like everyone in these books?
The Answer? My reality is NOT their reality.
I frequently found myself comparing to individuals who were typically single or had one or two children. Many of them seemed to receive substantial assistance at home, although this may not have been explicitly acknowledged. It's important to remember that not everyone portrayed online is managing everything independently. Take, for example, the "ballerina farm" lady. This isn't meant as criticism towards her; I strongly support empowering women. However, it's unrealistic to compare oneself to her. Her husband is the heir to the Jet Blue fortune, valued at over $400 million dollars. Naturally, she receives assistance, and there's nothing wrong with that.
My Current Reality
5 Children ranging in ages from 15 through 2
1 Dog
Husband who has a demanding job
When he is home, he is a very active partner
Tight finances
Small home
3 older kids in public school
Grandma who helps with 2 little kids 2 partial days a week
Great friend I hire to watch my toddler 1.5 hours a day 3-4 days a week
A need to plan and cook 3 meals a day, every day (including school lunches)
No home office
No full-time job currently
Baby in bedroom
3 Older children in sports
Priority to attend church
No cleaning lady or laundry help
What is Success to YOU?
Where the Problem Lies
See the problem comes in when we try to mimic someone else’s life. Or we take seriously the life rules of someone whose reality looks nothing like our own.
Where to Find Success? Look at your unique reality and define success on your terms.
Allow Your Definition of Success to Grow & Evolve with The Changing of Seasons
No more newborn waking you up four times a night? Great, your definition of success might change because you are finally somewhat rested after years of hard.
In the thick of sports season? You likely have less time for some of the goals you have and might have to get creative or let them take a brief backseat. It’s up to you and what YOU want. We have to stop looking left and right to figure these things out and instead look inside ourselves.
Success on My Terms
Reading my bible every day (sometimes I listen to it on an App if the morning is too hectic)
Juicing fresh fruits & vegetables & blending with frozen fruit & protein powder 4 days a week
Exercising with the Kira Stokes App for at least 30 min. 5 days a week
Setting aside 3 mornings a week to blog
4 family dinners together a week (will be more on off-sports seasons)
Connecting with each child’s heart at least once a week
At least 1 parent at all sporting games
Kids doing chores regularly
3 days a week to have a slower evening of reading, showering and skincare
“Define success on your own terms, achieve it by your own rules, and build a life you’re proud to live” Amy Sweeney
A Challenge
Write Down Your Current Reality
Take a moment to write down everything in your current reality. My list was not at all exhaustive. There are many more things I could have included. Be as realistic as you can be and don’t pass judgment. This is just about acknowledging what you have going on. It’s not about passing judgment.
Don’t compare to my list. Yours will be very different.
Allow for Hiccups
if you're reading this blog, chances are you're a busy mom. If not, this still applies to you! There will inevitably be obstacles along the way.
For instance, my daughter is scheduled for adenoid and tonsil removal on Thursday. Will I be able to exercise? Probably not. Will I find time to blog as usual on a Thursday? Most likely not.
Be kind to yourself. You probably have a lot on your plate, and the idea that you must stick to every goal every single day regardless of circumstances was likely written by someone who is single or has a significant amount of support.
It’s About Little Bits of Progress Over a Long Period of Time & Getting Back Up Over & Over Again When Life Throw Us Curveballs
I know a little about curveballs, and I’m certain you do too! In 2022 we received a surprise phone call from the Division of Child Protection and Permanency to care for a very medically fragile infant born two months early. She was taken safely to the hospital and weaning off of illegal substances.
She is my youngest daughter’s biological sister. My life changed overnight in every way. I could no longer sustain my Etsy business. I tried desperately to hold on! I stayed up until 1:00 am most nights to get orders out. Then I plopped into bed only to be awoken 6-7 times by intense withdrawal crying. She was an incredibly challenging baby. Like nothing I had ever experienced (and I had four other children and knew how to care for babies with Neonatal Abstinence Syndrome.) But I hung on fierce to keep things the way they were. I was going to grow my Etsy shop hard and fast. I was gaining success but I was dying inside. I would not accept my current reality. I fought hard against it and it only led to feelings of frustration and low self-esteem. I built my own prison. I looked at people who kept “killing it” and I beat myself up. Why can’t I do what they do? What is my problem? The truth was, their realities were very different than mine.
Be Quick to Accept Your Reality
Journey to Speak Graciously to Myself & Live Authentically According to My Reality
Would you join me on a journey of speaking graciously to ourselves and accepting our realities? It’s about living authentically to the way we are uniquely wired and our unique circumstances. It’s about staying in our own lanes and not comparing ourselves to others. I’m tired of it and I know you are too. Will we fall? Of course. Will we need reminders? Absolutely. I hope this blog is a reminder to you to give yourself grace and live the life that God intended for you and you alone.
I don’t know where this journey will lead, but I would be so honored if you followed along.
Grace and peace to you as we encourage each other in our unique giftings, realities & dreams.
Living in Denial is NOT Life-giving
I thought, if I could just kinda ignore reality (which I was not doing consciously), everything would turn out.
Truth is, our bodies know what is true. We CANNOT hide the truth from our bodies.
You know the book The Body Keeps the Score? by Bessel Van Der Kolk?
It’s soooo true!! Eventually living inauthentically to our reality will manifest itself in very unhealthy ways in our bodies!
There is FREEDOM to be found in speaking truth graciously (I very much believe in the gentleness of this truth, it’s never meant to be a harsh voice)
QUICK TAKEAWAYS
Take a moment to list off everything in your current reality (do not pass judgment - this is not a moral exercise)
List off what success looks like to You in light of your reality
Understand that there will be obstacles along the way, considering your circumstances
Speak graciously to yourself when you get a little off-track
Pick yourself back up & get back on track when you get off (without shame)
This is about general progress in a direction over a long period of time.
Living in denial of your reality will only bring on more stress over time. The quicker you accept it, the better.
